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Conflict...
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Sunday, September 6, 2009
Karin (9/6/2009 11:05:09 AM): Hey Plum!!! Thought I'd drop in to say "good morning" to you. Am having an impromptu cook out today...wish you could come too...hope that you have a fun day today. xo
Jeff (9/6/2009 12:10:20 PM): Hope you have fun cookout. I'm going to a birthday party for a 1 year old this aft. Not all that exciting, but I'm sure there will be plenty of food. So, I'll do my eating for the day. And I’ll try to grab you tonight. (well perhaps not literally, unfortunately...). Bye hon
Monday, September 7, 2009
Karin (9/7/2009 10:09:42 AM): Hi, how are you this morning? I think that I still would like to have a conversation with you, but am not sure if that's within the scope of your situation today, tomorrow...or whenever. So, I will try to send you some of my thoughts here.
Karin (9/7/2009 10:10:58 AM): You said that nothing that I said would shock you (I’m taking that literally and in a broader scope for this purpose). I have a great deal of affinity for you. I would even say that love is involved despite your circumstances. I had entirely too much fun with you the other day, and was blown away at how much more I cared for you after we met...it appears that I have fallen fast & hard for you my dear.
Karin (9/7/2009 10:11:32 AM): However, I am already struggling with your situation...I need and want someone who I can give myself entirely to and need to receive the same commitment in exchange. The love and laugh experience, the best friend and lover, is what I want and need. Maybe my expectations for a partner are too high, but for me it is what it is.
Karin (9/7/2009 10:14:20 AM): You are right about the part time beau...I am much too passionate and want to share you and find myself quite unhappy with the circumstances. I thought that I could deal with this, but was evidently wrong. I care about you entirely too much to want to share you. I want to talk to you, I want to be able to spend time with you, hug and kiss you, have tomato sandwiches and champagne with you, fulfill both your fantasies as well as mine. I want to have the chance to build something that I believe would be pretty amazing with you - actually, there is no doubt in my mind that it would be amazing for us to be together.
Karin (9/7/2009 10:15:52 AM): I care very much about the intimacy in a relationship, but perhaps in many ways that may not be as important to others. So, with self-preservation in mind...as much as I want very, very much to see you, touch you, kiss you and spend as little or as much time as you have available with you, it would not be a happy or healthy time for me as long as you have a significant other. I certainly do not want to lose you...but...
Karin (9/7/2009 10:17:18 AM): If you have that resolution that you are fine in your current situation, and that nothing will ever change for you there, then you need to follow through with that – and I wish you all the best. I am sure that there are things that attract people to each other that do not fall within my grasp of reality. I also understand that you have a couple of years invested in your current relationship, but don’t forget to think about 2 years vs. 20 years.
Karin (9/7/2009 10:17:48 AM): On a personal level I want and need to be happy a good percentage of the time, and I also need to see the people that I care about are happy, but I am not willing to “settle.” I feel that the whole “settling” thing is comparable to living a crippled life – sorry, that’s not a judgmental statement it’s only what I’ve observed over the years… how people can very slowly, and charged with emotional pain, kill each other – I can think of better ways to die.
Karin (9/7/2009 10:19:36 AM): I doubt that you will meet another “me”...Sometimes people don't take what they deserve from life (like happiness and joy), or perhaps it’s that they don’t know how. Take some time to decide what is best for you - or maybe you've already made that decision and are just not sure what to do with me. I understand if I never hear from you again, (so consider this a “get out free” card). I'd rather experience the pain for a short amount of time than to drag it out longer for what may very likely prove to be an uncertain outcome for me.
Karin (9/7/2009 10:23:40 AM): If you want to pursue a relationship with me, I will be happy to give you some time, to figure out what you want and need to do with your life, but I can't share you in this sense and do not feel that I am deserving of what that entails. If you decide that you do NOT want to share anything with me, I wish for you to be as happy...
Karin (9/7/2009 10:55:07 AM): just to be clear...I am certainly not asking for a commitment from you, just the chance to "date" without fear of reprisal.
Later...
Jeff (9/7/2009 1:57:29 PM): Hey. Sorry I haven't had a chance to get on here till now. Like you, I hadn't expected our first meeting to be so emotionally charged, but unlike you I still have another relationship that I haven't resolved. And I'm not sure that's going to be resolved quickly, and certainly can't assure you that it will be resolved favorably to us - you and I. I guess it just emphasizes that I have no business flirting with you -and getting us both hot n bothered- unless I do resolve my other life. I'm sorry that my indecision and confusion causes pain to you. Again I have no right to do that
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:05:56 PM): I'm not sure why its not easy for me to walk out on a relationship that is unsatisfactory in so many ways. But it is. Again I guess its tough for me to say no to history and loyalty. I guess I'm waiting for her to be the bad guy. And I don't know if that will ever happen
Karin (9/7/2009 2:07:03 PM): Hello...
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:07:48 PM): Hi..
Karin (9/7/2009 2:08:07 PM): sorry I sent you all that informaton...
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:08:43 PM): Why?
Karin (9/7/2009 2:08:44 PM): regardless, I'd still like to see you...and I do know about the whole 'bad guy' thing...it's difficult for many people...and I think men in particular...to leave a relationship
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:09:25 PM): what do you mean know about bad guy thing?
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:09:37 PM): I guess
Karin (9/7/2009 2:09:45 PM): that you wait for her to be the bad guy..
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:10:16 PM): Oh...Yeah...
Karin (9/7/2009 2:11:03 PM): this was unexpected...certainly by me, but...for me, it's gotten more complicated that I thought it would...can't deny my feelings...
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:13:15 PM): Well I'm just concerned that ill not be providing you anything positive
Karin (9/7/2009 2:13:51 PM): I believe that you now have two relationships to deal with...I'd like to get to know you more, and I understand that nothing positive may be the final outcome for me. I have difficulty understanding why people stay in unsatisfying situations...but that may just be because I can be somewhat of a bonehead...
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:15:21 PM): No...you just have principles
Karin (9/7/2009 2:15:57 PM): ...whatever...how did to manage to escape from your marriage? I'm just trying to judge what my odds are of winning you over...
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:18:26 PM): It took years of fighting over it
Karin (9/7/2009 2:19:32 PM): don't you believe that you deserve to be happy?
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:19:40 PM): And I'm not sure years here are gonna be too fun for you
Karin (9/7/2009 2:19:53 PM): why do you think that?
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:21:00 PM): Being number 2...isn't much fun...I don't think..
Karin (9/7/2009 2:21:38 PM): ok, so you are convinced that nothing will ever change with your #1 then? ...just tell me if you think that's true...
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:22:51 PM): I don't know Karin. I certainly can't promise that it will
Karin (9/7/2009 2:23:48 PM): well, I believe that you should give us a chance, it won't take me long to make up my mind...I'm not asking you to sleep with me, I just want to discover if my feelings are true (and real)...or not
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:25:35 PM): Well I would love to see you again...I just am not sure we're poised for a happy ending...
Karin (9/7/2009 2:26:03 PM): question??
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:26:13 PM): K...
Karin (9/7/2009 2:26:44 PM): what are the things that are holding you back...other than a sense of loyalty...I'm curious to know...are you too comfortable there? ...or do you truly love this woman?
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:28:47 PM): It is comfortable certainly...although clearly comfort isn't the be all and end all...
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:29:23 PM): And I suppose there is a love...just not the kind of love I've hoped for...
Karin (9/7/2009 2:29:56 PM): if you found that love -that you would like to have?
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:31:34 PM): I don't know what I'd do if I found that love. I still might need her blessing to leave. Not sure.
Karin (9/7/2009 2:32:33 PM): hmmm, self-sacrificing...well, do you think that I am a trustworthy person?
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:33:29 PM): You seem to be. Obviously that takes time to know for sure
Karin (9/7/2009 2:34:06 PM): Right, can you hang on a sec...someone's at the door
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:34:30 PM): Sure
Karin (9/7/2009 2:35:25 PM): sorry, the carpenter is here to have a look at my progress with the floor...I told him just to have a look
Karin (9/7/2009 2:36:29 PM): so, just from me to you, I am probably one of the most trustworthy people that you may ever meet, my loyalties also run very deeply - and all for the right reasons
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:37:03 PM): I would imagine that's true
Karin (9/7/2009 2:37:44 PM): I like to keep everything well balanced and like to make sure that is true for the people around me as well...clarity is very important to me
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:38:38 PM): I guess I'm a very loyal person myself. Part of the problem here
Karin (9/7/2009 2:39:09 PM): right, perhaps loyalty without clarity? I certainly don't know that...all that I do know is that I'd like to see you again, maybe then I can get you out of my system...
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:41:02 PM): Probably
Karin (9/7/2009 2:41:14 PM): ???
Karin (9/7/2009 2:41:25 PM): out of my system??
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:42:16 PM): Yeah...
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:43:59 PM): Even to find time to see you is tough...
Karin (9/7/2009 2:45:04 PM): yes, I see...you really don't want to pursue this do you? just tell me what you want to do...
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:47:53 PM): I just think you and I are in such different situations now. I'd like to see you. I know that. But each time I see you presently means sneaking off...it spoils it for both of us.
Karin (9/7/2009 2:48:33 PM): well, it did not spoil it for me when we did meet...but I understand your discomfort with the sneaking off...I believe that there are married men who have an easier time getting away from their spouses..than you from your girlfriend...don't have first hand knowledge...but :}
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:50:18 PM): I think you're wonderful...and there are undoubtedly married men with more available time
Karin (9/7/2009 2:51:01 PM): I wonder why that is... (not a question)
Karin (9/7/2009 2:51:28 PM): when can you fit me into your schedule??
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:53:14 PM): I'm not sure. I rarely have an evening alone. Its afternoons stealing away from work mainly. How fun is that?
Karin (9/7/2009 2:53:51 PM): I can certainly deal with that...don't you ever live from your own residence anymore?
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:55:14 PM): I rarely do. Frankly
Karin (9/7/2009 2:55:38 PM): right, I figured...well, you tell me what you want to do 'cause you appear to have the trump hand...I do want to see you again...and you did promise to see me in December...
Jeff (9/7/2009 2:58:01 PM): I'd like to see you again too. I know that. But I am really conflicted about it. Worried that its gonna lead to more heartache
Karin (9/7/2009 2:59:42 PM): ...don't know that I could actually have more heartache than I do at this time...I guess that's a reason for me to want to see you...we can just be mean to each other for an hour or so...kidding ;}
Jeff (9/7/2009 3:00:12 PM): Perfect!!
Karin (9/7/2009 3:00:22 PM): I thought so too!!
Jeff (9/7/2009 3:00:33 PM): Course I suspect I'd still wanna kiss you...
Karin (9/7/2009 3:00:58 PM): I do not believe that you could get away from me without that...you need to loosen up a hair... please!!!
Jeff (9/7/2009 3:02:14 PM): Sigh...do you think if we could hold each other right now, we'd resolve everything?
Karin (9/7/2009 3:02:39 PM): yes, I do think that it would resolve a lot for both of us...
Jeff (9/7/2009 3:03:14 PM): Yeah...You'd find you were totally bored! Lol
Karin (9/7/2009 3:03:51 PM): hmmm...I already found that NOT to be true...I feel as though I just need to touch you!
Jeff (9/7/2009 3:04:19 PM): I do need to hold you...
Karin (9/7/2009 3:04:59 PM): I already said that I can't let you vanish from my life so easily
Jeff (9/7/2009 3:05:27 PM): Can I kiss away your tears?
Jeff (9/7/2009 3:05:49 PM): I like pulling your hair back and kissing you
Karin (9/7/2009 3:06:04 PM): yes, would love for you to be holding me right now and kissing away the tears!
Jeff (9/7/2009 3:07:06 PM): I wish I could. Unfortunately, I need to do a chore or 2 now.
Karin (9/7/2009 3:07:12 PM): ...no music here today...
Jeff (9/7/2009 3:07:34 PM): Why not?
Karin (9/7/2009 3:07:50 PM): not too happy here...
Jeff (9/7/2009 3:08:09 PM): Me neither...
Karin (9/7/2009 3:08:39 PM): yeah, well please think about getting together with me again for a few hours...would be nice
Karin (9/7/2009 3:09:27 PM): I'm sorry, but I have to follow this through
Jeff (9/7/2009 3:09:39 PM): I will...I'm sorry again for my confusion...I will look for you later
Karin (9/7/2009 3:09:49 PM): please do...
Jeff (9/7/2009 3:10:04 PM): K...bye...
Karin (9/7/2009 3:10:09 PM): I've also got some stuff I need to do here, so have a good afternoon
Karin (9/7/2009 3:10:16 PM): bye!
Later...
Karin (9/7/2009 10:37:37 PM): You want to be just friends for a while? I do like you, and would like to 'hang' with you for a time. It seems to me that a friend may be more of what you need than another person making things more complicated for you. (I can be your therapist...lol) It appears that pressure from me is the last thing that you need in your life. ...and it would be a relief for me as well. I do love your kisses rho, but ...ah well! I am aware that I can be an intense individual -it's my nature- and it's good in some situations (passionate), but not in this situation. k - I think I can go to bed now!!!
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More tomorrow…
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All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
"The Jeffrey Chronicles: The Span of an Online Romance" is available in hardcover, paperback and as an ebook (Kindle, etc.).
Paperback; $23.99; 771 pages; 978-1-4535-0834-3
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